The Science of Love?

Side Note:

This writer has asked that her letter be kept "off the record", so to speak, due to its personal nature.

I am sure she feels as though a huge, flashing sign would be over her head...

I'm the one who wrote this letter!

So, what I've done was to remove some of the "tell tale hearts" from the letter and the glaring signs that our writer may feel incriminate her. ; )

Julia,

Unfortunately, this question requires a back story. I met the man of my dreams. He pursued me; we started dating.

We made an amazing couple and were very happy, but we are both full-time students and it started getting tough to see each other.

We dated for six months, but the last two months we were seeing each other only once every week and a half.

He always told me, after dating quite a bit, he knew exactly what he wanted in a woman, and that was exactly me. He told me I was the girl of his dreams.

He told me that we definitely had a future together. He played his guitar and sang for me. He said, "Even after six months, being around me still made his hands shake and palms sweat.

When he comes home from break however, he breaks up with me for an ex-girlfriend of four years that I didn't even know about. Apparently they broke up five months before we started dating.

He told me that he and she are both in the same field of study. He said that it seemed a better match, logically, because they both were in pursuit of careers in science and that she may even help boost his career.

Then he told me (with prompting from me, of course) that I could probably get him back if I tried but "it wouldn't be wise."

I pretty much asked him to tell me that he was in love with her and would rather be with her, and he didn't.


I know I did a rather poor job of letting him know how I felt, not only near the end of our relationship, but when we were breaking up as well.

I assumed, while we were together, that the fact that I was still there was enough to prove solidarity and commitment. I don't know a lot of girls who would stick it out while seeing their boyfriend so infrequently. When he dumped me I was just so shocked by the whole thing, I didn't know what to do.

I never told him that I wanted to stay with him even though it would be hard, but I would rather spend each irritating week and a half between dates thinking about him than to ever live without him.

I did tell him I wanted him back, in a rather pathetic 'I half threw myself at him and couldn't form coherent thoughts around him' sort of way.

I know that I'm not only more attractive than this other girl, but I know that I treated him better and I'm a better listener. He already told me that.

I can't compare with a four-year history though, especially with him yearning for the past. And I shouldn't have to.

I think he also thinks that they will work together as a couple because they will have the same crazy schedule which is, roughly, working all hours of the day.


Should I contact him and tell him how I feel?

Should I wait and hope that he comes back to me? (its already been two and a half months since we broke up) Or have I thrown all my self-respect out the window at this point and am acting pitiful?

It's all just so strange. He's not a terrible person, and I guarantee you he's not a liar. I do not believe that he was lying when he told me that he saw us having a future together.

I feel like I lost the love of my life, and can't breathe without him sometimes. What do I do?

-Lost

Dear Lost (soon to be found),

The real "science" behind love is that there is none. I take that back. It can be almost the same... love and science, that is.

We make assumptions, we perform experimental behaviors to influence outcomes, and our hypothesizes are often not based on the best educated guesses.

I should say, there is no real logic when it comes to love. Thus, Spock remained single while Captain Kirk was "in love" in virtually every episode.

No, there is no logic. There is no pride. And although there may be rhyme (see my Funny Love Poems if you need proof of that) there is NO reason!

I am a romanticist. I believe in love. I have seen the movies, read the books, and heard the songs.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with trying to win (or win back) the one you love... although I'm sure many would disagree with me.

If there is any hope at all, it is in the trying.
You seem an intelligent girl. You'll know when it's time to quit.

If he says "I do" to another, treats you poorly, or it is just making you too crazy, it's quitting time. Punch out and go home.

Some may tell you, "There are plenty of fish in the sea," but that's not altogether true, is it?

Usually, if there are any bites at all, it's those little ones, the ones you just throw back. Sometimes we even reel in the dreaded old, leather boot.

So when we get a really big one on our line, it hurts to see them break loose and swim away. I say go on and cast out after him again... just don't end up like Captain Ahab!

Yours Truly,

Dr. Julia

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